Self-Sabotaging

A moment of silence, while I mourn the death of what could have been; she is now not my reality. I am forever locked inside of my fears and forever drenched inside my tears.  Living inside of self-sabotage, making her a casualty of this war that’s inside my soul. ABANDONMENT… How l deal and cope with it is a reflection in the way I make movements when it comes to love. Past innocent connections of the spirit as a child, damage the core of me.

I’ve discovered that change is good in relationship when there is growth and not stagnation. Being in the stage of Self-Sabotage and not conveying thoughts to the one I love with fear wrapped inside, it was easy for me to use a lie or be manipulative inside my emotions.  I couldn’t embrace the treasure that I worked hard to find. I recall my first moment of fear, I had begun to taste and sample on the reality that my spirit has finally found a home inside of this woman. I didn’t realize how calculating I was inside of my emotions. Fear was a familiar friend with anxiety wrapped inside. I was like the people Plato speaks of No Light, stays in the dark, wanting to know what the other side of love = light feels like. Yet I remain in the dark.  I’ve walked this universe believing I was a victim, a casualty of someone else war of emotions, and not realizing the war begin with me. Inside my head and thoughts I begin to run to the sinister legroom as if a petty lie could give me the space I need. I couldn’t perceive nor conceive that this was my reality. even though my mind was disconnected from love, I wanted it. My heart and spirit was reaching for it.  All three must connect, Yes it’s a trinity.  As I sit here contemplating and remembering Lady Fishnet and I talk about how it’s important to trust each other emotionally. We did the Check- INS to make sure we were on the same page. She was putting it on the line and I was still holding back.  I didn’t trust myself, which lead to me pulling away from her and using the one place that is sacred to do it.

Within in moments of seeing the pain in her face, hearing her voice of disappointment, she opts out. I begin to reflect on past relationships. Scrambling inside my head trying to figure out have I been here before? In conclusion, yes I have been here before. Instead of escaping, running, and not communicating with her about my fears; I acted out a scene and set the stage of self destruction and sabotage.

 

Nourishment for Today’s thought process:

Step out of your way meaning stop creating barricades and walls to block the light of true love. Allow your spirit to show you to the truth of your partner’s heart where the bliss resides. Live in the warmth of him or her. Please trust that universe has guided you in the right direction and has carved you a Peace of happiness.

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One thought on “Self-Sabotaging

  1. […] Self-Sabotaging (ladymaturity.wordpress.com) […]

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