I was told as a child that faith is as simple as counting 123, and then mental pain wouldn’t be a part of my existences. I suppressed the pain of my childhood and convinced myself that I was not in the state of pain. I found ways to escape: partying and having different sexual partners. I had a deep need to go to another world, because my world was not of comfort. I couldn’t see heaven, because I was in hell. I was raised in a secret society taught to think inside the box and was brain washed about life; trapped spiritually, emotionally, and stagnated mentally living inside of a secret society. Imagine being a child going to bed every night with all your clothes on, scared that the man which is the outside world is going to come get you; and you must be prepared to fight. To protect your sisters and brothers of the society you had to build bombs and cocktails preparing for them to come to destroy your way of life. Seeing the pain inside of a child eyes, the sexual and physical abuse; livings in this torment, yet you are told to pray that God will make it better. Ironically, my life was wrapped around spirituality, and God was the source of our society. I am trying to make sense of it all and why do I feel neglected by God? Why did I have to see or experience this pain and deceit? You tell me to pray, well, my voice is inside of the wind right now and my pain is more visible. My faith has been shaken. I am restless inside of my soul. I want to escape inside of my thoughts of leaping into a love affair mind blowing whirlwind. I want to go to a place where they won’t touch and fondle my mind. I can’t stop this deep cry inside of my pain. There’s no end it’s a bottomless pit of despair. I am sinking. I felt like I had no one to hold me. I can’t walk inside of a church without being reminded that this is where my entire existence change and where my pain begins. This was supposed to be a place of refuge, a sanctuary of peace. My peace is gone and I am broken. I feel demoralized inside. Will my faith sustain me? What are the substance and the evidence of faith? How could one be blind by their faith and belief? Will I ever be free from the existence of the truth that stands powerfully rooted inside of my mental psyche each day? Will the same word faith with the definition of believing who God is in my life help me through this world of pain?
LadyMaturity 